Homecoming
A recollection on living by oneself
My mind has been racing for quite a while at the thought of writing a farewell note to a place I have called home since two and a half years ago. Yet for some unfathomable reasons, I constantly found myself staring blankly at the screen whenever I attempted to begin composing one.
Perhaps it has something to do with the grief of parting, and how it has become unutterable. I have gone through similar melancholy when I moved out of my first place during my earlier days in this city. But I guess there wasn’t as much time spent reminiscing the space as my sanctuary as it is the case now.
Living by yourself is an experience that always differs from one person’s to another’s. Some may find it surprisingly unexceptional, like any other given day. Some may find it overbearingly dry, particularly those accustomed to the clamor of others living next door. I myself, however, belong to those who find it rather contenting, to say the least.
I never had much love for the city, and it was only going worse towards the end to the point where I felt spiteful of it. The air reminded me of that Sunday morning where it has been raining since nighttime and somebody has died shortly after dawn. I went out all the stops to cherish this ashy town but it was unfailingly more befitting to mourn for it.
Amidst these sorrowful times, I found solace in the luxury of living on my own. It was odd at first, how liberating a confined room could be. But it came with a hint of familiarity, that I am most at ease when I am away from the loud crowd, when I am away at home.
You would think that as an only child, one would have enough of and hence desist from solitude. People sure like to equate being alone with loneliness, and I must admit that there were moments in my life where such deduction stood true. But this is not always the case.
If there is anything years and years of being in the company of none granted you, it is the fondness of privacy. You grow to savor quietude. It leaves you undisturbed, to roam or ponder over your restless thoughts. You grow to treasure intimacy. It preserves the warmth you share with your dearest from a bitter reality.
Through the walls of my single bedroom apartment, I built myself a home out of the serenity I came across in knowing that nobody else is around, much like the home I was born to and raised in. Within this haven I was able to feel whole with only the presence of my mind, or with those belonging to a few whom I regarded as an inseparable part of what it means to be home.
After putting these words down along the sights of how an ordinary day goes by throughout the said place, I figured why bidding it adieu was so burdensome. Here was where, for the first time, I discovered myself in profound bliss by being on my own, almost as if I was coming home.
This realization could not have come any more timely than within my last weeks living here. Soon I will once again set sail for another stranger’s land, marking yet another lone departure to the vast unknown. Only this time, I have learned an important lesson of security, that in spite of my whereabouts, I will always find a sound shelter within my own being.
